Robin Hood: The Pantomime!
by Madianna
Summary: Robin Hood is a struggling Sixth Form student, trying to make sure all his friends recieve an equal education. Suddenly, Maid Marian is captured by the evil Sheriff of Nottingham and it is up to him and his friends to rescue her. This is the Sixth Form Christmas Pantomime, written by myself and a friend. Also starring the Three Little Pigs, Red Riding Hood, Shrek, and Jeremy Kyle.
1. Scene 1

This is the pantomime I wrote with one of my friends for my year group to perform at Christmas. I thought it was pretty funny and decided to upload it here. I'm not going to give the names of people or specific places in order to protect their identities, so some of it may not make sense. Also, just as a heads up, there are several 'in-jokes' from our school that people may not understand.

And to make things a bit easier...  
RH - Robin Hood  
MeMe - Merry Men  
MeMe1 is also Little John!

* * *

**[RH and MeMe walk on stage mumbling to each other. An Angry Drunk Fairy Godmother is sitting by the side of the stage]**

MeMe1: Aww it's a bit Chile.

RH: No we're in Nottingham, Sherwood Forest…not South America. Didn't ** ever teach you that?

MeMe2: Nah beeeyy he sent us to the cupboard init.

MeMe1: Hey, have you seen my jumper? I can't find it anywhere.

MeMe6: Ah mate, look! A dead pigeon! **[picks toy pigeon off floor and throws it MeMe4] **Catch!

MeMe4: Mate you got pigeon on my shirt! Wait, you got pigeon on my shirt?...

RH: That looks well sick.

MeMe1: Ahh babe, that looks fabulous!

MeMe4: **[turn to the audience]** Like my Facebook page and you get a free Tee.

**[Offstage noise of 'clippity cloppity' horse carriage, RH and all MeMe hide in forest, behind trees. Enter carriage with two 'Essex ladies']**

Lady1: Not that it would ever happen, but what if someone like jumped our carriage, not that it would ever happen?

Lady2: Don't be stuuuuuuuupid! That would never happen! Why would you even say that?

**[Carriage stops in centre stage]**

RH: **[from behind tree and points] **JUMPER!

**[All MeMe run, attack and tie ladies up]**

Lady1: **[to Lady2 in Essex voice]** Oh my god! Did this actually just happen?

RH: No, no, no! Not Jump Her! JUMPER! Look, up there!

MeMe1: Oh sorry, always putting my things in the wrong places. **[budum chhhhh]**

RH: Anyway, what have we got in here then? **[Reference to carriage] **A fine range of conserves for all the family.

**[Police siren]**

MeMe 2,3,4,5&6: Gavvers! Old Bill! The Plods! The Pigs!

**[Three little pigs enter]**

RH: We're in a right pickle **[picks up pickle jar]**

MeMe6: We're in a bit of a jam **[picks up jam jar]**

MeMe2: We're toast! **[picks up loaf of bread]**

Angry Drunk Fairy Godmother: That's bread, just shut up. Killed it.

MeMe1: Heyyyyy I know you! I saw you on that Uniform Dating Dot Com!

**[FREEZE]**

_Voiceover: If you work in uniform or don't, or just fancy those who do, or don't because we all know it's for everyone. Go to Uniform Dating Dot Com, or don't. ****_

**[UNFREEZE]**

MeMe1: It's BigLarry_69!

RH: Officers, these women forced themselves upon us in an unPG manner, so really you should take them away before Senior Management shut this ting down.

Pig1: Oh thank you sir, we'll take them off your hands, let's just go, quickly! **[looking at MeMe1 embarressed]**

RH: Anyyywayyyy… right so we've robbed the rich, now letsss…

**[Offstage: "give to poor!"]**

MeMe 2: I know! Let's give it the poor!

RH: YES! You're on fire! Oh wait, you're just ginger.

MeMe1: Guys…don't you just love wearing tights.

MeMe4: It's so liberating...I mean manly, MANLY!

MeMe3: Hey, we're like men, in tights, like men in tights!

**[WE'RE MEN, MEN IN TIGHTS DANCE]**

**[Year 10 students walk in, interrupting end of dance. MeMes stop abruptly, embarrassed]**

Student1: Oi benders! What you doing?

Student2: Yeah you BUMDERS!

RH: Uhhh, back off. This is a PG-rating. None of that language please.

MeMe3: That was for you Senior Management, we've got your back.

MeMe1: And personally I take offence to that.

Student1: Ite doe beeyy, wot u doin wid all dat suff init? U got dem iPads n ting from ** boh.

Student2: Aw bruv shut up, that's Robin from da Hood.

RH: I think you'll find it's just Robin Hood. My name's just Robin…and then Hood: Robin Hood.

Student1: Aw mate, I know we're only in like year 10 or whatever, but you got a lighter?

MeMe3: Just shut up. You're like 12. Go home.

**[Year 10 students exit, RH and MeMes stay on stage]**

MeMe6: Those little year 10s reminded me, I really miss those days of cheap cider and smoking because we're really cool. I wish we could still do that. I really miss those days. If only we could do that inside, legally ya'know without fake ID…

MeMe5: So you're hinting that we should really obviously just go to the pub, right? Why didn't you just say that? Who even are you?

RH: Men! Let us bestow these beautiful conserves upon the poor, unfortunate children of Ye Olde Shabby School. But, alas! Before we depart, let us venture to Mr Bishop's Finger where we can…

MeMe1: Woooo! Let's go girls!

**[MeMes and RH exit, end of scene.]**


	2. Scene 2

Welcome to Scene 2! The bit I wrote is from where Nicki Minaj enters to the end of the scene.

* * *

**[Pub filled with underage school kids in uniform. RH and MeMes enter.]**

Everyone: Weeeeeyyyy it's Robin Hood, he's here, it's Robin yaaaay, etc.

Barman: FOUR FOR YOU ROBIN HOOD, YOU GO ROBIN HOOD, and none for Little John, bye.

RH: Thanks mate. So uhh Shrek, how are you? What you been up to?

Shrek: Ah ya'know, rescuing princesses, terrorising donkeys, fighting midgets, casj day, you?

RH: Well, first we stole from the rich, then we danced in tights, now we're stopping here for a drink before we give to the poor. Standard.

MeMe1: I just thought we could pop in for drink and watch the dancing. I love a bit of dancing.

RH: Calm down Little Head Boy School Council John, keep your tights on…

MeMe2: **[to random extra character, talking over the all of a sudden loud music] **Most of the people that come to these variety shows are idiots.

Shrek: What?

MeMe2: I said, most of the people that come to these variety shows are idiots.

Shrek: What?

MeMe2: **[shouts] **I said, **[music cuts out for announcement to begin] **ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS.

**[All characters look at MeMe 2. Awkward silence.]**

Voiceover: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, TEACHERS, STUDENTS aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand F house. Please welcome to the stage for one night, and one night only, never in your life will you ever have to sit through this again, we promise: Nicki Minaj…

**Wooo.**

**[Audience applaud minimally. NM enters with Seven Pimps as other characters disperse. ****Superbass plays. NM and SP dance. ****Snow White and Seven Dwarves cut in and sing a different song]**

NM: What the hell? I'm performing here!

SW: Not everyone wants to hear you screeching 'YOU A STUPID HOE,' especially with the *darling* year sevens in the crowd.

NM: Did they call your name just now? No. Off my stage!

SW: I have a right to be here. I am Snow White **(twirl/twiddle)**. The epic story of my life can be adapted into the typical format of a pantomime. Isn't that's right, Senior Management?

NM: Since this is pantomime, I hereby challenge you to a dance/sing-off!

SP1: What does 'hereby' mean?

NM: Oh, it's like slang. From Shakespeare.

**[Awkward silence]**

MeMe 2: Wow, I was right when I said these people were idiots.

SW: Challenge accepted.

**[Dance off]**

MeMe5: Ok...I think I need to scrub my eyes out with bleach...

MeMe1: I mean, yeah, that was awkward and cringey...damn, I'd rather see Mrs *** out there shaking that thang.

MeMe5: Did you just say 'thang?'

MeMe2: What did you think of that, Robin? Hey – Robin?

RH: I should have been singing...

MeMe1: Wait, what?

RH: I should have been singing...seeing those idiots dance for the attention...I should have sung for a cause I believe in.

MeMe2: Like what?

RH: Marian...Maid Marian.

MeMe1: She wasn't a maid when you finished with her!

MeMe3: Shut up Little Head Boy School Council John, we can't have the little year sevens hear about _that_! This is supposed to be a PG rated pantomime!

MeMe4: True, I'm not sure if they cover it in PSHE...

MeMe5: Robin, I thought you guys were finished.

RH: No. I still love her. She used to let me hide all our swag from the Sheriff of Nottingham at her house because no one would suspect her to have stolen goods...she'd plaster my wounds after he beat me to pulp...and sew up the holes in my clothes after a raid on his house...

**[RH sings/mimes 'Hero' but with Marian added in the lyrics. Everyone looks at him awkwardly]**

RH: So it's decided! We'll go and find my sweet Maid Marian. Let's go!

**[RH and MeMe leave the bar. RH starts messing around with one of the phones they have stolen]**

MeMe 1: Robin, what are you doing with that SmartPhone? I thought that was going to the Shabby School.

RH: Shut up, I've just been tweeted by someone in that bar! Maybe it's about Marian!

MeMe 2: Oh, what does it say?

RH: 'At RobinHood Looking hot in those tights tonight, but I don't think that's appropriate for smart day' I'm just replying 'At school #effyou #smd'

**[RH and MeMe exit, end of scene]**


	3. Scene 3

Cornadopia - Thanks! I sent you a link to our performance of it on Facebook, so if you have a spare hour, feel free to check it out!

Just to make things a bit clearer  
SoN - Sheriff of Nottingham (pronounced Sher-ee-fay because it's funnier)  
EC - Evil Crew

* * *

SoN: **[evil laugh]** Ah, my friends, now that the hostage is secured, let us proceed with yet another evil deed!

**[Cheering]**

EC1: What shall we do this time, Sheriff?

EC3: We could go down the upstairs!

EC2: NO! We could go up the downstairs!

SoN: We could put non-recyclable rubbish in the recycling bins.

EC2: We could change the A in grammar to an E on the school sign.

EC4: We could send a whole school email about a lost fluffy pink pencil case!

SoN: Wow.

EC3: What about if we...

EC1: We could quote Mean Girls 2!

**[Everyone just turn around and gives EC1 a dirty look. He bends his head, ashamed of his foolish suggestion]**

SoN: Put him in the Corner of Shame.

**[EC2&3 take EC1 to the corner of the stage, and sit him down, facing away from the audience and them. They go back to talking to SoN]**

EC2: How about, we reflect on previous evil deeds, and gain some inspiration?

EC3: Oh, oh, like the time we framed a child from Ye Olde Shabby School for shop-lifting in Tescos?

SoN: What a great day...

EC4: Or, the time we swapped all of the chairs in the Common Room so that the year twelves had rubbish ones?

SoN: It will serve them right for stealing all our tea and coffee! A pox on that Robin Hood, for daring to suggest that all Sixth Formers must share and treat one another equally!

EC3: Ruddy socialist...

EC1: Or how about the time we...

SoN: Due to your absurd suggestion previously, you may not speak until I feel that I can trust you to use your tongue.

EC2: Cheeky.

EC1: I'm sorry, boss.

SoN: Oh, never mind. Forget this. What is done is done, and we shall surpass our evil deeds with our latest evil scheme! Should we go and check on our hostage? I'm sure IT must be missing ITS beloved Robin...

**[SoN and his Evil Crew cackle]**

SoN: Trust Robin, to fall for a person who can't figure out whether to use the men or the women's loos!

**[More evil laughs]**

SoN: Trust Robin, to fall for a person who never did look quite right in the compulsory twenty inch school skirt!

**[Evil laughs]**

EC1: Can I talk yet?

All: No!

EC1: Can I laugh?

All: No!

SoN: With any luck, he will fall right into our plan. You know what a foolish, sentimental idiot he is.

EC4: Perhaps...perhaps...we ought to send him a little souvenir from her?

EC3: What are you talking about?

EC4: Well, you know, sometimes a kidnapper sends the hostage's friends and family a little piece of them.

SoN: So, shall we send **[whisper among themselves, mime it]**

**[More evil laughter]**

EC2: So which one of us is going to go and get it?

**[They look around at each other. No one volunteers]**

SoN: Well, never mind! Come on, let's think of something evil we can do whilst we wait for Robin Hood and his bunch of Men In Tights to turn up!

EC1: **[Shouts excitedly] **Hey, Sheriff!

SoN: Did I tell you that you could talk yet?

EC1: But Sheriff!

SoN: For goodness sake, what is it?

EC1: I've just checked Twitter and Facebook. According to Facebook, Mr Bishop's Finger just checked into Robin Hood, I MEAN Robin Hood just checked into Mr Bishop's Finger and changed his relationship status to 'It's Complicated!' And according to NotSoLittleJohn "the awkward moment when Robin Hood sings a love song about a man in a dress without realising #**awkward #yolo**

**[Everyone looks at each other confused]**

EC1: And he's on his way here! Right now!

SoN: Excellent! He is falling right into our trap! We must check on the hostage at once. One of us will go on look out. Evil Crew Member Number One, you have redeemed yourself and you shall be forgiven for your crime.


	4. Scene 4

Welcome to Scene 4! So what's the Sheriff up to, hmm?

* * *

**[Only trees on stage, general chatter]**

Tree 1: What do you think of my new branches?

Tree 2: They really bring out your eyes babe.

Tree 3: I bet you get all the chicks with them. **[cheesy wink because it's a shit joke]**

Tree 1: I thought I'd get a trim, go for something a bit different. I mean, I don't want to be walking around like those year 9 sluts - uhhh... girls.

Tree 2: Tell me about it. No offence but...

Tree 3: Saying "no offence" before something doesn't make it less bitchy...

Tree 1: Yeah but, no offence but, some people fashion is so questionable. Crocs, really?

**[Tree 4 enters]**

Tree2: Oooohhh, look at her bush. She really needs a trim.

**[Shabby Students enter]**

Shabby 1: Ahh mate and I was at the fair and everything and I met this guy, ya get me? And he could tell I was well up for it so he took me up the back alley.

Shabby 2: Mate, you're a propa legend.

**[RH and MeMes enter, talk among themselves]**

MeMe2: I can see our target! Those kids look like students from Ye Olde Shabby School.

RH: Okay I guess we're going to have to try and blend in with our surroundings if we're going to successfully give them these iPads.

MeMe5: **[enters stage with his crutches holding a branch in front of him) **Will this do Robin?

Tree 1: Leaf it out.

RH: **[to audience, empathetically] **I really hope I'm showing you the value of care in the community and how important it is to spend time helping these poor, poor unfortunate **[turns and shouts at them]**…RETARDS.

Tree1: Someone's performance is a bit _wooden_. Get it? Wood like a...tree and wooden like acting.

MeMe 4: Boss let me do this; I'm on it like a Shakespeare sonnet. **[walks towards students] **...I've errr I've got the stuff.

Shabby 1: You what? Don't be startin fam, I'll get ma mandem on you boh.

MeMe4: Nah mate, safe innit, I got the stuff.

**(Hand over goods)**

**[Enter Beauty and the Beast]**

Shabbys: Oh my effing Gawd, what the hell is that?

MeMe1: What is what?

Shabbys: There!

MeMe2: There's nothing there!

Shabbys: It's behind you!

MeMe3: Oh, no it isn't!

Shabbys: **(with audience, hopefully) **It's behind you!

MeMe4: Oh, no it isn't!

Shabbys: **(with audience) **Oh, yes it is!

**(Audience interact with play. Actors engage with audience and make up lines. Eventually, Shabby kids leave, MeMe throw iPads after them, Beauty and Beast stay)**

Beauty: Robin, I have something terrible to tell you!

RH: What is it?

Beauty: Oh, it's terrible!

RH: What is it?

Beauty: I can't say, it's so terrible!

MeMe1: Alright. Well don't say anything then.

Beauty: **(screaming) **It's about Marian!

RH: My beauteous sweet Marian! TELL ME, TELL ME, TELL ME!

Beauty: I can't, it's terrible! The Beast will have to act it out. In charades!

**(MeMe all roll their eyes annoyed. The Beast begins to act it out.)**

RH: **(immediately) **So, she has been kidnapped by the evil Sheriff of Nottingham, and he is keeping her hostage in his castle! We must go there at once and rescue her!

**(all on stage exit. MeMe and RH return, looking for Sheriff's castle)**

MeMe3: Oh wow, look, free bread!

MeMe1: Urgh, yuck, you don't know where that's been!

MeMe3: **(gets on his knees and starts eating the bread)** Tastes good!

MeMe1: That's really gross.

**(Hansel and Gretel come on stage, muttering to themselves, retracing their steps)**

Hansel: This way, this way, oh, it's stopped. HERE WE ARE!

Gretel: This isn't our house!

MeMe2: Sure it is, you pair of hobos.

Hansel: What? The trail ends here? Where are the rest of the pieces of bread that we put down so we could find our way back?

Gretel: Wait...you put bread down?

**(Hansel nods confusedly)**

Gretel: As in, bread that people eat?

**(Hansel nods again)**

Gretel: What, let's just go through this. You agreed to make a trail so we could find our way back. A trail that would last. And you used bread? Bread, that people eat. Bread, that animals eat. Bread, that birds eat.

**(Hansel nods again)**

Gretel: Well, you're a tw-

MeMe2: Little girl, I don't think that language is appropriate.

Gretel: I'm not a little girl!

Hansel: I'm a little boy!

Gretel: We _know_, your ex girlfriend told us enough **(sighs, shakes her head at her brother, and turns to MeMe3) **Did you eat all that bread?

MeMe3: No! No, it wasn't me. I was going to – I was going to toast it, have it with a bit of cheese, baked beans, some bacon...but I never got the fire making badge in Scouts **(everyone just looks at him) **It was Clive!

Hansel: **(points at Robin Hood) **Is that Clive?

MeMe1: No! That's Robin Hood. As in, the main character. Robin Hood, who gave you the very clothes you wear upon your back.

MeMes and RH: Yeah.

RH: Yeah, I'm bored now. I'm bored of Hansel and Gretel. Funny little German twins. How do we get rid of them?

**(MeMe1 pulls out his lunchbox, grabs his sandwich, and then throws bits of bread offstage)**

MeMe1: Look, kids, there's your trail!

MeMe4: You can go home now!

Hansel: Oh, look, our trail! See, I told you I'm not stupid!

Gretel: Let's go!

**(Wave off Hansel and Gretel as they skip off stage, then turn to face each other)**

MeMe5: What do we do now?

RH: **(whines) **We're supposed to be rescuing Maid Mariaaaaaaan!

**(All exit. End of scene)**


	5. Scene 5

**(RH and MeMe sneak onstage, as The Great Escape/James Bond/Mission Impossible plays. Crashing sounds of falling over)**

RH: What was that? Really, what was that?

MeMe6: Sorry, boss. We're just trying to be cool.

MeMe1: Ok, let's try and climb through the window.

MeMe5: How am I supposed to do that on crutches?

RH: There's disabled access round the side.

MeMe5: Oh, cheers mate.

**(Go offstage. Start trying to climb through a window)**

EC1: Hey boss! They're getting in through the window!

SoN: **(offstage) **They weren't here the last seven hundred times you shouted, so we're not going to trust you! Come on Derek, take your shirt off, you know that's the rules of strip poker!

EC1: But boss, they are really here!

**(Enter RH and MeMes)**

RH: Shouldn't have cried wolf, sucker!

**(MeMe walk through castle and into the dungeon as EC1 cries hysterically to himself)**

MeMe3: It stinks in here!

MeMe4: Well, it is a dungeon.

RH: **(sniffs) **I can smell Marian's perfume!

MeMe6: What, that rotting smell?

RH: Yes.

MeMe5: I'm sure there are dead bodies in here...

MeMe1: Don't upset Robin, we need to be prepared for the worst...

**(Enter a line of hot girls followed by Maid Marian)**

RH: **(whispers) **Marian?

M: **(cries) **Robin?

**(They run towards each other. Robin stops)**

RH: Wait, are you wearing leggings as trousers?

M: Urr...yeah?

RH: All the year twelves are doing it. WHY are you doing it?

M: But aren't you all wearing tights?

MeMe1: Tights are for panto. Leggings are for sluts!

RH: **(Turns to audience) **Moral lesson for you all. Leggings are not trousers.

M: Fine, I'll go and get changed.

**(Exit Marian)**

RH: **(swoons) **Isn't she beautiful?

MeMe2: Robin, she's a man! What the hell has gotten into you!

MeMe3: Who wears leggings as trousers!

RH: She's getting changed, just give her a chance!

**(Enter Marian, now wearing a skirt)**

MeMe1: Oh my God, I love your skirt, where did you get it?

M: Oh, it was my mum's in the eighties.

MeMe1: Vintage. So adorable **(turns to the audience) **That is the ugliest effing skirt I have ever seen.

RH: Ok, let's get out of here. Marian, my love, we have risked life and limb to rescue you. We have braved the juvenile children of Ye Olde Shabby School, sat through a Variety Talent Show with Nicki Minaj in it, seen Beauty and her horrendous beast, and met two of the stupidest German twins I've ever met. Now, let us flee!

**(RH, M, and MeMe start to leave. Offstage, SoN, EC2 and EC3 are still playing strip poker)**

EC2: Four eights, and a ten.

SoN: Ok, I win. Take off your thong.

EC2: I don't wear a thong!

SoN: Sure you do.

EC2: I'm a real man, not our hostage!

**(They all laugh)**

M: Oh, Robin, they've been saying such horrible things about me!

MeMe1: What have they been saying about me?

M: They haven't mentioned you...

MeMe1: Those bitches...

RH: NO ONE DISSES MA WOMAN!

Angry Drunk Fairy Godmother: MAN. It's a man. That is a man.

**(Runs offstage. Sound of a slap)**

SoN: It's Robin Hood!

EC2: He's making off with the hostage!

EC3: They're escaping!

SoN: What are you waiting for? GET HIM!

EC4: Wait, we've got to put our clothes back on!

**(RH, MeMe, and Marian run across the stage and then go off. There's a pause, and then ECs and SoN run on, doing their shirts up. They run after them. Improvisation of each group chasing each other. Eventually, RH, MeMe, and Marian get away. Enter SoN and all of his EC)**

SoN: **(To EC1) **This is all your fault!

EC1: I told you they were here!

SoN: Get back in the castle, you cretin. We'll have to recapture them. And then we'll waste no time in taking them to Prince John!

**(All exit. End of scene)**


	6. Scene 6

**(Enter Teremy Kyle, Red Riding Hood, Three Little Pigs, and The Big Bad Wolf)**

TK: Hi, and welcome to the Teremy Kyle Show. Today, we have Little Red Riding and the Three Little Pigs. They claim that the Big Bad Wolf killed Red Riding Hood's grandma, and huffed and puffed down the Three Little Pigs' houses. What do you say to this?

LRRH: Actually, he cheated on me and now I'm pregnant with his baby.

BBW: I did no such thing!

TK: All right! Calm down! **(Does the bendy knee thing that Jeremy Kyle does) **Now, Three Little Pigs, what do you want to say?

Pig1: Well, I'm going broke, and then he blew our house down. Now I'm homeless!

BBW: You asked me to blow down your house so you could claim insurance.

Pig1: No, I didn't! I spent ages building my house out of straw!

Pig3: Why didn't you just build it out of bricks? Like a normal frigging house!

Pig2: How were we supposed to know that straw and sticks wouldn't work?

TK: **(shouting over them) **Calm down! So, Mr. Three Little Pig, why did you build your house out of straw instead of bricks?

Pig1: I didn't know how to do it?

LRRH: Why didn't you just get a builder? I mean, come on, I'm not saying I'm on the side of the Big Bad Wolf since he killed my gran and cheated on me, but seriously, why didn't you just get a builder?

Pig2: Who could do building?

TK: **(looks at Pig3) **Oh, rhino who it could be **(Rhino walks across the stage)**

Pig3: I have the necessary koalafications **(Koala walks across the stage)**

Pig1: Your koalafications are completely irrelephant **(Elephant walks across the stage)**

Pig3: **(turns to audience) **Don't listen to him. He's lion **(Lion walks across the stage)**

TK: This arguing is becoming unbearable! **(Bear walks across the stage)**

Pig3: Indeed, it's making my voice horse **(Whore walks on stage.) **I said horse, with an s? (**Horse walks across the stage)**

Pig2: Please, horse, when did you ever say something smart? Don't worry, owl wait **(Owl walks across the stage)**

LRRH: Ouch. Hawkward **(Whore walks on stage) **Really?

Whore: I'm sorry, I just wanted the attention. **(Hawk walks across the stage)**

Angry Drunk Fairy Godmother: I guess you could say she's an attention whore. Har har har.

BBW: I'm out of here. You are all giraffing me crazy! **(Giraffe walks across the stage. BBW gets up, and asks like he's going to leave)**

LLRH: Alpaca your things! **(Alpaca walks across the stage. LRRH also gets up, and makes towards him)**

Pig3: Let minnow when you get there **(Fish walks across the stage)**

TK: Ok, that's enough! Sit back down, we can sort this out.

**(Enter Neil from Inbetweeners. He sees the fish)**

Neil: Oh, there's a fish out of water. Better kill it. It's the kindest thing to do; it won't survive back in the sea now.

**(Punches minnow to death)**

TK: Now you sit down, you shut up, and you…just…no.

**(Exit Neil and fish. Enter RH, MeMe and Marian, sneaking around)**

RH: If anyone asks if we were here, tell them we weren't here!

LRRH: Robin! How are you doing, big bro?

RH: Hey, little sis! Wow, I love that red hood you're wearing.

LRRH: Well, I just thought, since we're the Hood family.

Pig1: Oh I thought it was because of that girl in year twelve with the red jacket.

LRRH: Are you kidding? I'm wearing a hood. Because I'm Little Red Riding _Hood_. Me and Robin, we're the _Hoods_.

RH: How's that Big Bad Wolf you were having trouble with?

LRRH: Well actually Rob he's right over there.

RH: **(steps back, shocked expression) **He's a bit of a dog!

LRRH: Well no, he's a wolf. The Big Bad WOLF…?

**(MeMes make wolf howling noises in the background. 'Big Bad Wolf' plays and BBW dances around to it)**

RH: Can you not?! On the subject of love affairs, Little R, I've got someone I want you to meet.

LRRH: Oh, who?

RH: This is Maid Marian. She's my girlfriend.

Angry Drunk Fairy Godmother: Sorry...uhhhh, GIRLfriend? Yeah okay…

M: Your brother is a hero. He saved me from the Sheriff of Nottingham.

LRRH: Oh, that's Robin. He's always out for a babe, you know.

RH: Yeah, she wants the D. Well, anyway, we've got to go. I'm taking Marian to safety. Remember, if the Sheriff comes, not that he will, for any reason at all, but he probably won't, then just tell him we weren't here, not that you'll have to. But c'mon, what are the chances of that happening in a pantomime?

LRRH: Ok, see you later, bro.

RH: See you later, sis.

**(Exit RH, MeMe, and Marian)**

TK: What's going on here?

LRRH: It's a long story. My brother is this sort of an outlaw, and he robs from the rich, and gives it to the poor. He's on the run from the Sheriff of Nottingham. Plus he's dating a transvestite.

**(Enter SoN and EC)**

TK: Can I help you?

SoN: Yes. I'm the Sheriff of Nottingham, and I'm looking for some criminals. Have you seen Robin Hood, his Merry Men, and a man dressed as a woman, going by the name of Marian?

All: No!

SoN: Are you sure?

All: No!

SoN: So you did see them?

All: No!

Angry Drunk Fairy Godmother: So you told somebody?

TK: Look, Sheriff, you're ruining the show. We haven't seen them.

**(Exit SoN and EC)**

TK: Ok, this show is over. Next time, we have Mr ** and Mr **…"We used to be in love, but now he's a man".

**(Exit. End of scene)**


	7. Scene 7

**(Enter a student. Throws pieces of litter around the stage and then goes offstage. Member of PE staff comes onstage and puts flag in the middle)**

**(Enter RH, MeMe, and Marian. They see flag and go backstage again)**

RH: **(Offstage) **Damn, the flags out! Right. Ok. We'll do our lines here. Phew, we escaped!

**(As characters talk from offstage, caretaker comes on and put the pieces of litter in the trolley. Audience only see caretakers.)**

M: Oh, Robin, you saved me!

RH: I would do anything for you, Marian.

**('I Would Do Anything For Love' plays)**

M: Oh, Robin, you are so romantic!

MeMe6: Get a room!

RH: There's no room backstage. Stupid flag. And anyway, you're just jealous...

(**Member of PE staff comes onstage and moves flag again. Enter RH, MeMe, and Marian)**

MeMe6: How can I be jealous of having a cross-dresser for a girlfriend!

RH: Quite easily!

MeMe1: Look, remember the Merry Man oath? 'Bros before hoes?'

MeMe2: Well, she is a bro...technically speaking. Anyway, it's a PG, we're not allowed to say hoes.

MeMe1: No, I mean, like, a hose... **(reveals garden hose)**

M: You sound like that mean old sheriff! I am who I want to be! My mummy always said I could be anything I wanted to be!

MeMe 4: I think she meant you could be like an astronaut or a teacher or, ya'know, just not a woman.

RH: **[glares at MeMes] **Yeah. You heard my sweetheart. Now. Marian, dance with me!

**(Romantic song plays, RH and M dance. All the teachers who are couples in school come on and dance. 30 second dance.)**

MeMe1: So, what are we going to do now?

RH: What do you mean?

MeMe1: Well, we've rescued Maid Marian, we've given to the poor, there's not really that much more to do.

**(Noises of crashing from offstage)**

SoN: **(offstage) **Have you found them yet?

EC1: **(offstage) **I fell over.

EC2: **(offstage) **Get up! Keep looking

RH: That sounds like the Sheriff of Nottingham and his friends! Come on, run!

MeMe5: How can I run on crutches! This is discrimination! GET ME THE LIFT.

**(Enter SoN and ECs)**

SoN: There they are! Get them!

RH: Wait, wait, no! I hereby challenge you to a Boys Dance Off! If you want to capture us, you have to defeat us in dance!

SoN: A dance off it is. Come on, boys!

**(The Boys Dance occurs. The EC dance best, defeating the MeMe's 'Men In Tights' dance)**

SoN: We win! Capture them, boys!

RH: Noooo!

**(SoN and ECs grab RH, the MeMe, and Marian)**

SoN: Now, come on boys, let's take them to Prince John. Once he's through with you, the Sixth Form will never have to share computers with the lower school again!

**(Exit. End of scene)**


	8. Scene 8

**(Prince John's castle. Prince John is sitting on a throne playing with a rubix cube, but failing. Enter Angry Drunk Fairy Godmother. Does it for him. Enter SoN and EC holding RH, MM, and MeMe)**

PJ: Sheriff!

SoN: Prince John!

PJ: My old friend!

SoN: My dear friend! I have brought you a present!

PJ: Oooh, is it a box set of the Inbetweeners?

SoN: No.

PJ: Is it a deluxe edition of Mean Girls?

SoN: No.

PJ: Is it a collection of fairy tales?

SoN: No.

PJ: Is it the first series of the Teremy Kyle Show?

SoN: No.

PJ: **(sighs) **So, it's not anything good. Let me guess, senior management confiscated it, whilst in the throes of envy, of how we are young and hilarious, and how they'll never see our side of forty again, never understand the life of a young person, or how to make a decent pantomime, ever again?

SoN: No. But you have just given a pretty accurate description of them. My dear friend, I give you, the one you have been looking for…Robin Hood!

PJ: You captured him! My dear Sheriff, you must be in want of a pay rise!

SoN: Why, thank you my dear friend!

PJ: Yes, you'll be an honorary Sheriff. You'll be able to go into high schools during PSHE and tell the children what it's like, being a Sheriff. You'll be able to tell them all the qualifications they'd need, tell them what extracurricular activities to get involved with, even though none of them even want to be a Sheriff!

SoN: The idea of wasting the time of busy hard-working students warms my frozen heart!

RH: You're evil!

PJ: Yes. Yes we are. Now, it is time for your punishment!

RH, MeMe, M: Noooooo!

PJ: Yes! Mwahahaha! I am going to sign your uniform card for not wearing smart day clothes!

M: No! No, you can't do that! I put a skirt on over my leggings!

PJ: Yes, I can!

RH: And I think you'll find that Sixth Form don't have uniform cards anymore. Because we don't wear that ugly uniform anymore.

M: Oh, yes, that horrible navy clashed with my eyes.

RH: And that lion was soooo tacky.

MeMe1: Robin, we've been captured by the Sheriff and Prince John, and you're moaning about a uniform we don't even wear anymore! Come on, man, just get on with the panto.

RH: Fine! Ok...noooo! You can't sign my uniform card!

PJ: Oh, yes, I can! For I am Prince John, King of England!

**(Enter King Richard)**

KR: Actually, I think you'll find I'm King of England!

PJ: Richard! You came back from your gap year!

**(RH, MeMe, M cheer)**

KR: Yes. I'm back. For those of you who do not remember me, I am King Richard, King of England **(turns to the audience) **But you can call me King Dick!

PJ: Well, it's nice to see you and all, bro, but if I could just finish dealing with these outlaws whilst you unpack your backs and have a drink...

KR: No, John. I've seen enough.

PJ: You...you have?

KR: Yes. I have. I've seen you and the Sheriff of Nottingham oppressing and bullying these poor students! These students are good young lads, just trying to make sure everyone gets a good education. So maybe they stole iPads from **. So maybe they wore tights on Smart Day. It's not like the world is going to end!

MeMe2: Tell that to Mr **...

KR: I think it's time I took control of my country again. Guards, take the Sheriff of Nottingham and my brother away.

PJ: Richard, I'm your brother! Please, I made a mistake. I'll never hang out with Sheriff again!

KR: I'm not listening! Take them all away!

PJ: If this is about the time I stole all your old GCSE work and handed it in as mine, I'm sorry!

KR: Forget it!

EC1: Did our side lose? **(starts to cry)**

**(SoN, PJ, EC exit)**

RH: Thank you so much, King Dick.

KR: It was no problem, my friend. If there's anything I can do for you boys **(looks at Marian) **and, urr, girls, let me know.

RH: Oh, don't worry, I think we'll be all right. Come along now, Marian, I must introduce you to my parents.

**(Exit King Richard. RH and M walk away from MeMe, and talk)**

M: Robin, I think we need to talk.

RH: I know. It was always going to be too good to be true.

M: I've got something to tell you. I'm a man.

RH: **(gasps)**

M: But I'm also gay.

RH: Well, if you're gay...maybe I'm gay too!

M: Well, then, if you're gay, and I'm gay, maybe we can make this thing work!

RH: Yes! Yes! Oh, Marian, I love you! **(rushes to embrace him/her/it)**

M: **(holds him off) **My name's actually Dave.

RH: **(Embraces her anyway) **Nobody's perfect!

**(Exit)**

MeMe1: I'M THE ONLY GAY IN THE PANTO!

**(Exit. Curtains close. End of pantomime)**

**(People come onstage and do their bows)**


End file.
